Someone with narcissistic personality disorder can cause substantial emotional damage to those they interact with
The term narcissist is often used to describe somebody who is selfish, conceited, or seems to think only of themselves. People may describe someone who constantly takes selfies, or who brags about their accomplishments as a narcissist. However, using that word to describe common and often harmless selfish traits and behaviors trivializes a serious clinical disorder. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder can cause substantial emotional damage to those they interact with. Because of how much damage they can cause others, it’s important to identify the signs.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) describes this personality disorder as a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy and behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy.” This includes at least five of the following nine personality traits: Grandiose sense of self-importance, preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success or beauty, believes that he or she is “special” and can only be understood by other high-status people, requires excessive admiration, has a sense of entitlement, exploits others for personal gain, does not have empathy for others, is often envious of others or thinks others are envious of them, and shows arrogant behaviors or attitudes. These people can be very charming and outgoing, but their excessive self-focus eventually becomes too much to handle for the people around them.
It is important to keep in mind that narcissism lies on a spectrum from mild to severe. Only those who lie on the severe side of this spectrum will be diagnosed with a personality disorder. Also, just because someone has a few of these traits doesn’t mean they are a narcissist. A little bit of narcissism can be good for us. If someone has many traits it will usually have a negative impact on their life and those around them.
To figure out if someone you know might fit into this category, it is helpful to know what types of traits and behaviors to look for. Some common traits and behaviors are listed below:
- Never apologizes when they make a mistake or hurt someone's feelings. They might say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I'm sorry you're so angry" but these are not apologies for their behavior.
- Does not take responsibility for their actions and blames others instead. They will blame others even when it's something they caused.They might say, “I wouldn’t have punched the wall if you hadn’t have made me so angry.”
- Unable to empathize with others. They are unable to see things from another person's perspective or know what the other person is feeling.
- "Gaslights" others. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the person makes another person doubt their sense of reality by telling them they are remembering things incorrectly, such as what they said in an argument. The narcissist will change facts from the past and make a person question their memory. Anger and intimidation can occur if the person doesn’t accept their false version of reality.
- Sensitive to even the slightest criticism. Because they have a fragile self-esteem, narcissists can’t handle any form or criticism and may lash out in anger or sulk into a depression if criticized.
- Never feels remorseful or guilty
- Project what they do onto others. Projection is a defense mechanism whereby this person denies something they do and attributes it to others. For example, they might tell their partner that she is being selfish when in fact he is being selfish.
- Twists your words. For example, if you tell them that you need his help with the kids more often, he might tell you that he doesn’t appreciate you calling him a terrible father.
- Brags or boasts often. They will often mention the important people they know or the important things they have done in their life.
- Refocusing the topic of conversation and going off on tangents. In order to avoid talking about a topic, they will not answer a question and instead go off on a tangent about a different topic.
- “Burns bridges” with others. Because of their self-focus and selfish behaviors, they will have a hard time keeping friends and will often “burn bridges” with friends, family members, and coworkers.
These are just some traits and behaviors to look out for when you think you’re dealing with a potential narcissist. Again, keep in mind that just because someone has some of these traits doesn’t mean he or she is one. If you think you may be dealing with one, it’s best to seek counseling to find out how to best deal with him or her. Interacting with someone who has these personality traits requires setting firm boundaries to reduce the manipulation that can occur.
Jared Belsher, MA, LCPC is a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) and national certified counselor (NCC) who has worked in outpatient mental health clinics and in private practice since 2007. He is a member of the Saint Alphonsus Employee Assistance Program.