What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse in a romantic relationship.

The term gaslighting has been mentioned a lot in the news and online recently. The term was searched online so often that Merriam-Webster dictionary chose it as the 2022 word of the year. These searches reflect the public’s desire to know what the word means.

So, what is gaslighting? It is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse in a romantic relationship. A person attempts to manipulate and control their partner by challenging their partner’s recollection of a past conversation or event. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines gaslighting as “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

The term gaslight comes from the 1938 British play Gas Light and its 1944 film adaptation Gaslight. In both the play and film, a husband attempts to make his wife feel like she is going insane so that she will be institutionalized, and he can take over her family’s estate. The husband manipulates his wife by secretly dimming the gas lights in the house, moving objects around the house, and making strange noises in the house while denying to her that it’s happening. When his wife asks him about the dimming lights and the other strange occurrences, he says it’s all in her head. Soon, the wife begins to question her sanity and memory.

Like in the film, the victim begins to question their memory and sanity. They may feel like they’re going crazy. The gaslighter will twist the words of what they or the victim said in prior conversations to attempt to change the victim’s memory. Often, the gaslighter changes the victim’s memories of the past so often that the victim feels the need to tape record conversations to confirm what was said.

Like the term narcissist, the term gaslighting is often misused. This tends to minimize the abuse is causes. While a person may occasionally mislead or lie to others, a true gaslighter often lies or misleads. They almost always have a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (commonly known as a narcissist) or Anti-social Personality Disorder (commonly known as a psychopath or sociopath). Narcissists and psychopaths gaslight to manipulate and control their partner. It is sometimes so subtle that it’s often not noticed by the victim, and they may not realize they’re being manipulated. Therefore, it’s important to be able to identify the red flags of being gaslighted.

A gaslighter will often say the following to a victim:

• “You’re crazy. That never happened.”
• “Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory
• "I'm worried about you. You keep forgetting things
• “It’s all in your head.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”
• "That's not what happened"
• "You're being paranoid."
• "You always blow things out of proportion."
• "We already talked about this—don't you remember?"
• "You never told me that."
• "Do you really think I'd make that up?"

If you have been gaslighted, you may also notice the following about yourself:

• You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
• You often ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?"
• You often feel confused.
• You're always apologizing.
• You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
• You have trouble making simple decisions.
• You feel as though you can't do anything right.

What can you do if you’re being gaslighted?

The first step is to learn more about gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse. Researching and reading more about gaslighting, emotional abuse, and personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder online and in books can help you become more knowledgeable with manipulative behaviors and how to deal with them. It’s also advisable that you seek counseling from a mental health professional to help you navigate the relationship or help you to leave the relationship.

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