Manipulators use many tactics to try to make things go their way
Most of us have encountered a manipulative person or two (or more). We may have come across them at work, in our family, or in our social circle. Perhaps we dated or married one. Manipulators can make us feel exhausted and frustrated because of their constant scheming, selfish, and confusing behavior. They want to ensure they get the attention and adulation they think they deserve.
Manipulators use many tactics to try to make things go their way. They will gaslight us (convince us that we are remembering things incorrectly), blame us for making them feel a certain way or for mistakes they made, never apologize, and twist our words to make it sound like we meant something different than what we said. They can make us feel like we’re going crazy because they make us question ourselves.
If you are dealing with a manipulator, it is important to know how to interact with them. The most important thing that is needed is to set firm and healthy boundaries. The boundaries you set depend on the severity of the manipulative behavior. They can range from limiting how often you talk with them to cutting them out of your life.
Set Firm Boundaries
Manipulators can cause chaos in our lives, so it is important to set boundaries with them. This is like having an imaginary bubble around you. We can limit who comes into the bubble physically, verbally, and emotionally. When we are interacting with manipulators, we need to make sure our “bubble” is thicker than normal so that we keep them at a healthy distance physically, verbally, and emotionally. If we do not set a firm enough boundary with a manipulator, they will take advantage of the weakness and try to manipulate us.
It is important to avoid disclosing too much to the manipulative person. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile. You must limit what you share to only the necessary details. Manipulators can take the information you give them (a job change, a large purchase, etc.) and use it against you. To set a healthy boundary, we must determine how much and how often we speak to the manipulator. If the manipulator is a coworker or friend, it may be easier to set a boundary and avoid them. When the manipulator is a family member, it can be more difficult to set a firm boundary, but it is just as important to do so.
Often, the most difficult interactions occur when there is a divorce from a manipulator and custody of children is involved. Strict limits must be set on what you discuss with the manipulative ex-spouse and what you will not be talking about with them. For example, communication with the ex-spouse should only involve conversations about the children. If the manipulative ex-spouse brings up any other topic, it is important to not address that topic and remind them that you will only talk about the children. If the communication is too strained, you may need to request that communication only go through an email system that is monitored by the courts.
Use the Grey Rock Method
One way to set a firm boundary with a manipulator is the Grey Rock Method. Manipulators thrive on drama and getting emotional reactions out of people. To deprive them of the emotional reactions they crave (their “narcissistic supply”) we avoid reacting and engaging with them. We act boring and dull, like a grey rock. The more you act like a “grey rock” the less interested they will be in you. Some examples of “going grey rock” include shrugging and nodding, avoiding eye contact, responding briefly to questions without elaborating, and ending or leaving interactions quickly.
Go “No Contact”
There are extreme cases, especially when the manipulator is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive, where setting firm boundaries or going grey does not work. It may be necessary to cut off all contact with the manipulator at that point. This is called “Going No Contact.” No contact is often the best way to deal with a manipulator. When you go no contact, you cut off all communication with the manipulator. This includes calling, texting, and social media connections, and blocking their phone number and emails. When a manipulator refuses to respect the boundaries you set, a restraining order may be needed.
Seek Professional Help
In addition to setting boundaries, it can be helpful to get professional assistance from a mental health professional. Someone who knows the behavior of manipulators and is experienced in treating the victims of manipulators. Having an objective counselor listen to your experiences can help you clarify what you need to do to effectively interact with a manipulator.
Jared Belsher, MA, LCPC is a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) and national certified counselor (NCC) who has worked in outpatient mental health clinics and in private practice since 2007. He is a member of the Saint Alphonsus Employee Assistance Program.